Complicated

This is going to be the LONGEST blog I have ever written. Grab a bowl of popcorn and get in your jammies before you start reading. I was going to Vlog it (Video) but since it contains sensitive and emotional content I was afraid I was going to do nothing but cry the whole time.

Those of you reading this, most of you know me in person or know me well enough to know my story and my life. This was a hard choice to write because I grew up during a time where we had no internet. No means of sharing information with each other, other than word of mouth of over the phone. Now it is so easy to share things with people but sometimes you have no idea who you are sharing what with. I came to the decision to let you all know what is going on because I know I have been posting a lot lately that I have been upset, depressed or just down right frustrated with things. I know that there are some members of my family that are not going to be happy about me sharing this but I have to get it off my chest. Initially, I even was upset with my own child sharing about this on Facebook. His reply though was that it is HIS page, where his friends are and if he wanted to share something personal he could. And I have to say he is right.

Anyone my age or around about can understand the frustration. You want to share things online because you are excited and happy or even sad or angry. But we come from a different time when it was not socially acceptable to share such personal information. With that said I am going to try to meet someplace in the middle. I cannot go into great depths as to what is wrong. If you want that information please private message me. But I do want to share some of what is going on so at least those of you that are close and care about me will now know what is going on in my crazy life.

This goes back much farther but it really all started to hit the fan back in April. I received a phone call that my son had been picked up by police. My son is special. He has special needs and sometimes does not make the best choices, however, show me someone who has always made the best choices in life and NEVER made a mistake.

That day I have to say I was beside myself. As a human and a mother I was upset and conflicted. I always taught my kids the difference between right and wrong. However, with having special needs I always tried to give my boy the benefit of the doubt.  Sometimes when people know you are special they take advantage of you. Cause you to make wrong choices and get into trouble for them with the promise of a reward or something good. As an adult now at 19, sometimes you have to allow them to learn on their own. I figured even if he had done what he was being accused of, let him spend the time and learn a lesson.

Like I said this started in April, he is still sitting in jail. If the original charges were not enough an ex-girlfriend, stepped forth and created new allegations which have caused his stay to go from brief to extended. I spoke with his attorney yesterday and it looks as though they have enough evidence to put him a way for a long time. I feel awful for him. But as selfish as this sounds, I feel for myself too. I feel like I failed him. I hurt because I can’t be there for him the way I want to. No parent wants to see their child hurt or in trouble and this by far has crushed me emotionally to an extent that is unbearable.

To make matters worse, when he was picked up, he had a girlfriend. Most of his exes I hated. In fact I never even met them or talked to them because I just had a feeling they were sketchy…and I was right. This one I wanted not to like. But she seemed so invested in my son and cared for him deeply. So I went about texting her and keeping in touch. Then it led to talking on the phone. However things started to take a turn for the worse and I really should have seen it coming. She went from “OMG, I love him and we need to get him out because he is innocent” to “I dunno, if I can handle this anymore. Maybe he did do it and I am not sure I can be with him.”

The texted seemed to get more intense between her and I to the point where sometimes she would not even reply. When she did it was not nice. On July 8th (I think), we received word from my son that she was not taking his calls and actually hung up on him. We then noticed she was in a new relationship on Facebook. Is it just being a teenager or it is these new Millennials that are just so…I don’t even know the word. I mean they hop from one relationship to another and if things are not going their way they look for someone else. I mean if you really care for someone then stick with them through the thick and the thin not just the good times .

We have tried a million times to meet with her to get my sons possessions back from her home and she is not replying. I know that we need to go over there more than likely with a police escort but the question is when is she there? I have no idea what belongs to him anymore than anyone else does. But I am sure she does.

On top of that, some of you have been following my health issues. I developed this rash and was sent to a million, ok three, different doctors to help figure what the heck is causing it. Instead, I was told to go FREE & CLEAR with all my products. One doctor seems to believe that it is cheaper and easier than allergy testing. My other doctor says she cannot allergy test due to the fact that my asthma is so far out of control that if I was tested I could have an asthma attack and it could kill me. So now I have been sent on a goose chase to find ALL NATURAL products with no sulfates, no parabens, and no fragrances. First off it is not easy and secondly why is something so pure and has nothing in it so expensive?!

Then there is the issue of my mental health. This is not one that I like to admit or talk about openly but lately, it has been hard. Anyone with mental health issues knows that you do not simply just have ONE issue. It is many issues that tend to pile up on each other and before you know it you now have 800+ diagnoses. With that said I do a lot of pretending and “faking it”. I have not seen a real therapist, psychologist or psychiatrist in a LONG time. My General Practitioner gives me something to help a bit with anxiety but we are talking the lowest dose possible of a really familiar medication. Something that more or less just takes the edge off.

I have not refused to see any professional but with work and the normal life I am just so tired (and anxious) half the time I cannot go. That and I am always exhausted. I have become paranoid and my OCD seems to be controlling my life. I get stuck. I get these thoughts in my head that my heart knows is not real but no matter how much I try I keep running through all the bad things in my mind. Outside of actual therapy how does one deal with this? I pretend and act like nothing is wrong. I am really dying inside. I have things that I want…NO NEED to say and feel like I will be looked at like some kind of mental patient in a white love me coat.

As if all these things are not enough, I am constantly broke. I have hit a wall at my job. I want to move forward but there are things holding me back. I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place. I never thought that at this stage in my life I would be where I am. Don’t mistake what I am saying. There are many things that I do love about my life. Oddly enough some of the very things I complained about in this blog, are some of the same things that I love.

I am a hypocrite. Or maybe I just have the ability to see the glass as both half empty and half full depending on what the situation warrants. I hate being negative but it seems that there is this little looming cloud always following me around and I cannot avoid it. It always seem to start to rain on my parade when I have no umbrella. I just have no idea what to do anymore.

Blogging is a great outlet for me but I never can keep up with it. Even the simple task of sitting in front of a computer and typing things makes me tired. I would video my feelings but due to the fact that I cry when I sneeze makes it hard. I am so overly emotional. I cry at everything. If you are annoyed by it try living it.

I guess for now that is where I will leave. I am sure I will have plenty more to write about but who knows when that will be. This week I work Monday through Friday. I do have Saturday and Sunday off but it is the weekend of my annual cookout that I host and I will be prepping. When I am not prepping I am sure I will be to exhausted or lazy to even get on here. However the one or two times I do write and I get replies and comments I love it. I love knowing that there are people out there who have taken the time to be interested in what I have to say. It also lets me know that there are others out there like me and that I have a great support system.

So for today