This is probably the most difficult thing in the world to write. I initially created a blog page, and a Facebook page to share my feelings so that the world could learn more about me and also as a bit of therapy. However most often times I start off blogging a few times a week and fall silent for months. This is because, as most people with depression often do, we keep our deepest, darkest secrets to ourselves. Sometimes to the point where they eat us alive.
I do want to write today and talk about what has been going on in my life, no matter how hard it will be. I am changing names and locations because it is no ones business who these people are or where they live. I also want to state that if you are close to me and know me you will know who I am referencing anyway. With that said, here goes nothing…..
Many months ago, back in October 2016 my son started to date this girl. The minute I heard about her I had a feeling, a sixth sense if you will, of the type of person she is (was). My son is special and has special needs. This in addition to being a teenager with a strong and stubborn personality it can make it hard to talk him down from doing the wrong thing. I remember what that was like. Having Bipolar Disorder at 16, 17, 18…..everything people told me NOT to do, I wanted to do more. Even now at my age I struggle with control. Everything has to be perfect and the way want it.
With that said, my son has made some not so wise choices in his life as we all do. Add on top of this special needs and underlying mental health issues that are not being treated and it can AND will end poorly.
From the time he started dating this girl there were issues. For starters she was already dating someone else (close to 20 years older than her). It was one sob story after another that made you want to accept these people and help them. At one point or another I even felt sorry for her. I mean to loose both your parents in a horrific accident and leave you with NO ONE (or at least that is what we were told). In turn, at a young age she was appointed a guardian. This guardian happens to be the guy she is sleeping with.
I am not sure of all the gross details but at one point or another things got really bad and this girl moved in with my son. This guy started to then harass the family. Leaving threatening phone messages, throwing rocks through windows, and even messaging innocent people through Facebook.
This is when stuff really started to get weird. Facebook accounts were getting hacked, fake profiles where trying to add us as friends and then the posts started. Posts that left us beyond frustrated. Sharing personal information such as birth dates, court dates, addresses, phone numbers, full names and more. Each time it was reported to Facebook and police to have it removed and nothing was done.
Now, long story short, the girl is no longer with my son. She is back where she came from with his guy. However this has not been the end of it. He is still continuing to bully and harass our family. It needs to stop. It is causing physical and emotional stress on all of us.
I no longer accept friend requests from anyone I do not know personally or have met in person. I no longer answer any calls from numbers that are not saved in my phone. This man and his dynamic duo sidekick are ruthless and will not stop until they get revenge. I personally do not see the satisfaction that one gets out of doing this.
I used to be very vengeful and wanted to get back at people so bad. I have learned over the years that this leads to nothing but more trouble. I hope that my son realizes this. As aggravating and frustrating as it is to be at the opposite end of the bully stick you simply cannot fight fire with fire. The end result? A bigger fire!
Bullying is real and comes in all forms and does not discriminate. I know to some this is nothing more than a blog, a vague one at that, but to me it was a hard thing to write. Even though specifics were not shared it is enough that I am living here daily. I cannot stomach thinking and worrying that each time I step outside, or chat online, or anything I am being watched. The fear and pain are real.
This has been eating me alive for a long time. What bothers me more than anything is that the police and even Facebook seem to do nothing about it! All these kids these days going live and harming themselves….what does it take????? How far does it have to go before something can and will be done?
Please feel free to write me personally or share your comments. Advice is always welcome too.
Thanks for listening…see you all real soon
Did you ever feel there is something missing in your life? I do. It doesn’t matter how much I have when it comes to family, money or possessions, all I have ever really wanted was a best friend. You know a gal pal. I have many close friends that call themselves my best friend but maybe my vision is different.
I see so many girls posting photos online with their goofy smiles and tongues out. Getting drunk, dancing and having a great time! Being able to share everything and anything with them. Just not holding back.
Growing up we had girls in the neighborhood but I guess I was just to weird and out there to be friends with. Sometimes we would hang out but never in a way that I could call them my bestie.
All through grade school, high school and college, into adult hood I have yet to meet someone that completes me.
Thanks to anxiety and all my health issues I have allowed it to ruin my life. I have been asked to hang out times before but I have placed all these rules and restrictions on myself that create a level of unfairness to not just me but anyone included.
It is not that I do not like people or certain people because I do. I just need to learn how to break out of my shell. No matter what I do I keep making excuses and it is not getting easier. I am no where near being like a fine wine that ages gracefully with time. I feel more like cheese. Getting stale and moldy and just knowing that when people look at me….all they can think of is getting rid of me as soon as possible.
Sometimes when I am feeling down and out I step back and think to myself “am I a bad parent”? There are other times when I step back and think “I am a great parent compared to some people out there.”
I have contemplating DEEPLY about sharing this with anyone. The more and more I want to write about it the more and more I think it is not a good idea. But then I realized, it is reality and I cannot change it. The more I hide the truth and dismiss problems the more than become a problem.
A young boy I am very close to was dating this girl. She played him left and right. Lying and causing him to get in to trouble for her. He starting doing bad things and not caring what others thought just to please her. She was very open about her promiscuity and yet he saw nothing wrong with it. Why would a young teenage boy? I mean he had his needs met that was all that mattered. In the end he wound up hurt though. This girl, younger than him by two years, met someone online. What bothers me the most about this is that this guy lives a number of states away. He drove all the way to this state to pick up this young girl and take her away from all her woes.
She is 16! How many problems can a girl have at that age? What troubles me even more is that her mother allowed her to go. What kind of parent does that kind of thing? I recently was looking at something on Instagram and a “suggested friend” came up. Turns out it is our little girl from home, and she is a mother to be. I am sorry but if this were my daughter I would be taking a 16 hour drive to pick her ass up and probably getting arrested for beating up the “MAN” who is old enough to be her father in the process.
Fast-forward to today. This same young man, who was raised well. By two caring parents and given what they could at any given time….is now with another such type young lady. This one is a real winner! She had a “boyfriend” when he started to date her. They both knew of each other and yet they could only blame each other for taking “their girl” away. The problems begin when the threats do. The families of this young teenage boy are now at risk of being harmed because this girl has twisted the thoughts of these men, leading them on, and making them both believe they are hers and only hers.
The other man involved, yes man, is a grown adult. Old enough to be the teenage boy’s father or even that of the girl. With at least 20 years on her, he clearly has no sense of right or wrong. What makes matters worse is that this boy, of whom is near and dear to us, is yet again being played and hurt.
What can you say to make him see the light? What can you do to protect someone who doesn’t want your protection? Does this make someone a bad parent? Do you just need to allow them to get hurt before they learn?
As a parent, I can honestly say, I have done all I can to protect my children at any given time. However, once they reach adulthood, there is not much you can do except hope and pray that you have taught them well and given them the tools to succeed in life.
I sit here now, praying for this young man, that he may open his eyes one day and realize there is a lot more important things than just some girl. I also pray that his parents are not thinking “Am I a bad parent?”
We are not talking about the horror movie here. Or then again maybe we are. Do you have any idea what it is like No onto hold a grudge forever? Well, I do. I tend to hang onto things, mostly bad things and have a tough time letting go.
When I was younger and in grade school, some kids were bullies and mean to me. You know the way that kids do. They do mean shit and try to make others like them while making one other kid the scape goat (me). The thing with this is that as kids grow older and mature they usually learn the error of their ways. Some of the kids that were mean to me do not even remember being so. Some of them I talk to to this day and they have changed. Others have not.
When Myspace become popular I tried to add some of these kids from school and many of them wanted nothing to do with me. As soon as I learned this I did not even bother to pursue any kind of friendship online or otherwise. However, when Facebook came along, I looked these people up and proceeded to block them. But why?
Why? Well, because I not only was slighted once in grade school being bullied by them but then insulted, ignored and even mocked as an adult for trying to “Friend” them online. One person went even as far as to post to one of her friends pages (which is public) “Did you see who added me. OMG I cannot believe she still thinks that I am her friend after all these years.”
Clearly some of us have not grown up, not matured at all. So in my own mind, the best way to resist “temptation” is to remove the “evil”. So I blocked them. This way they won’t add me, I cannot add them and in turn they cannot see what is going on in my life. If you really wanted to know what I am up to then you would want to be a part of my life at this moment wouldn’t you?
Sure this might sound childish but we all deal with things in our own way. I have avoided places, even moved away from certain areas to avoid bad memories. I cannot seem to let things go. Does this make me a bad person? Will holding all these grudges make me a sour old person? How do you deal with the past, bad memories and grudges?
Let me start off by saying it has been a LONG time since I have blogged. As I lay here, at home, sick today I have a million things running through my mind. Something that has been on my mind a lot lately is the fact that there are people out there that just do not understand me, my thoughts, feelings or what I go through. I have been told I am strong but I believe that these people who find it easy to judge me are stronger.
I say this because normal things effect me much differently than a “normal” person. I have been “lucky” enough to be diagnosed with a variety of different alignments which in it’s own right is bad enough. But add normal everyday stress, drama and real life situations and it creates a world of havoc and chaos that even Alice in Wonderland would deem as weird and peculiar.
To those on the outside it seems as though all I ever do is complain, bitch, whine and moan about one thing or another. Truth be told there are times when I do not find your troubles to be all that troublesome in my mind, but what right do I have to judge. Everyone deals with things differently.
When I become sick I feel like death amplified. Most people, especially younger people, have the ability to ward off such things and deal with things differently. I am expected to understand and help when issues arise and yet when I ask for help I get disgusted looks and talking behind my back.
I am so tired of being nice to people to find out that many of them are just fake liars the minute I turn my back. I am to old for this and have to many pressing issues to let these things ruin my life and bring me down.
Clearly since I have no filter and cannot read the signs that you are putting out do me a favor, if you do not like me, don’t pretend to. If you do not want to talk to me, don’t reply to messages or add me on Facebook. If you have something you want to know or something even nasty to say, come to me. Don’t talk shit about me behind my back.
Having to work a full time job with anxiety, bipolar disorder, depression, fibromyalgia, TMJ, migraines, social phobias, arthritis and more is bad enough.
Thanks for allowing me to vent. I am sure there is more to come.
Rather than posting a lengthy status on Facebook I figured I would write it here….
I am very confused. I feel awful. Everyone I know is getting sick around me and I am not sure if it is the flu, my fibro or something worse. I have had chest pains for the last week. Each time I have even attempted to go to the ER or somewhere they do all the tests and find NOTHING. It is usually a result of my not taking my medication the way that I am supposed to. The folks in the good ol’ ER have told me a number of times (even though I never said it when I walked in) that in the event I was having a heart attack there would be serious signs and not just the chest pains.
Not once when I walked in to their facilities did I say I thought I was having one. I just said that I was having chest pains. I mean you asked why I was here, and that is why.
Today I have done A LOT of sleeping. Most the day to be exact. I have a slight cough and am nauseated. I also feel congested a bit, like it is hard to breathe.
With my fibro and everyone around me getting ill (that time of year) I really feel like my body is just getting (or is) sick.
My problem lays with the fact that I took two days off last week because I did not feel well. I was coughing so bad that I was actually coughing blood. (Sorry for the gross image). I thought that just taking the two days would make things better but I real feel as if I need more time to heal. With wanting to do nothing but sleep today I feel as if my body is having either a relapse or telling me “Uh dude you are not feeling well and need to REST!”
So question, do I go to the ER knowing they are going to tell me it is nothing and they cannot find anything? Do I just go to bed early get some rest and head off to work and try to get in to see my doctor during the week? Do I call off of work and risk my job just so that I can feel better?
I hate the way that no matter what I choose it is going to be an issue. I really want to feel better is all. I don’t want my family, friends and work to miss out on my quality time and what I can do for them if I am not well. But it is what it is right?