Miracle Baby?

Every time I go to see a doctor or health care specialist it seems like I “acquire” a new illness. I’ve got so many things wrong with me I don’t know what’s wrong with me. 

 I have actually had some people tell me they think that I’m making this all up. Faking it. Honestly I can see why. I am sick or feel sick at least 364 days out of the year. 

The truth is regardless of what you call it or how many illnesses there are, whether it’s one or a hundred there is something wrong.

But it doesn’t change ME! I am still me. Still loving, caring, sweet and honest.

Feeling blue tonight. Just looking for understanding…. love,  acceptance. 

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A Letter to my “Friends”

To whom this may concern;

     Before I get started please understand that anything written here is from the view and feelings or the author. It’s also been substantiated by doctors and therapists. I’m not stating I’m perfect or that I didn’t make mistakes because I have. But when you live in a world of mental turmoil  and confusion you learn to adapt. Anything I have ever done good or bad,  the choices were made usually in survival mode and as a flight or fright response. I HAVE BIPOLAR, but I am not bipolar. It doesn’t run me…well sometimes. 

To my “friends”:

When I started grade school I freaked and flaked. I wanted more than nothing to be friends with someone,  anyone. I was a relatively shy little child. Always wanted to make the best impression on other people. I would always go the extra mile no matter what that meant. it didn’t matter what repercussions I was up against. Didn’t matter if I stole, lied, cheated, or hurt other people. Although it did matter was that people would like me.

However kids in school made it tough. It wasn’t that I wasn’t being raised correctly. It’s just that how do you raise a child that happens to be different and at the time you don’t know anything of it. How does a child act appropriately when they know themselves they’re different and don’t know how to act appropriately.

All through grade school I was ostracized, bullied, and made fun of, all because of something they didn’t understand. See in my eyes I was unique I wasn’t individual I was just being, me. But in time it reached the point where to others I was weird, quirky, strange and just not someone you want to hang around with.

All the way through grade school open even into middle school and high school I battled my own personal issues, very rarely offering an insight to why I sought things or why I did things. This usually resulted in kids being mean or picking on me or just flat out saying very rude stuff to me that to this day seems to have stuck.

Upwards into high school things got a little bit better. I promised myself that I wasn’t going to be the same person that I was in grade school regardless of how natural it felt to just being me. I would put on that happy face and just pretend to like everyone and play the part of being a proper high-schooler.

I soon learned that high school was no different than grade school. The only thing that was different about it was that the boys were bigger and meaner than ever. There were cliques and groups and if you didn’t belonging to one click or group and you didn’t be long at all. I always seem to fall into the I didn’t belong at all.

I wanted nothing more than to hang out with kids after school and not just for working on school homework or projects that to have fun. To be invited to parties and do things and to just be a part of a group who enjoyed to do similar things that I did as well. But that was not the case.

Once high school was said and done on game college after college was said and done then came life. I was pregnant and became a mother at a very early age. Actually it came while I was in college. Once I came home and got reacquainted with my very first brand new computer it wasn’t soon after that social media followed.

I tried a number of times to look up people from my past no matter how close are far apart we were in the old days I wanted to see and give people the chance to prove that they could change. With mental health being as prevalent as it is now and people learning more and more about these issues I figured why not give them a chance. But boy was I wrong.

Some of these people have added me yes but then again others have blocked me. Others will add me but I find out later on that they have been chatting about me and asking why did she add me? It’s not like we’re friends?

I don’t try to take things too seriously but sometimes people make it that way. If you truly are not my friend and don’t want to have anything to do with me Whitey’s and egg Me On by adding me on your page. If you do have a problem with me at the ages of anywhere between 38 and 41 we should all be adult enough to be able to talk to each other and explain why. I’m not the type of person to stalk and continually go after people but I do like resolution. Answers folks that’s all it takes. I understand that this world is being runned by media and all the social criteria that goes along with it. But what happened to the good old days where you could sit down and just openly be honest with each other.

The truth of the matter is yes I have mental health issues. I have been diagnosed with bipolar disorder and it is being treated. It does not define who I am. I do have a number of bad days but I have some really good ones too.

Does this make me bad? Weird?  No it makes me unique and individual I have learned to embrace it why can’t you? If you have a problem with me discuss it with me not with the rest of the world. It’s my body is my brain no one else is going to understand the way that I do. Give me a chance. If you can’t find it in yourself to give me a chance, then do me a favor and don’t lead me on.

I love the ones who have stood beside Me left and right regardless of the situations. To those that cracked under pressure and decided to leave before they got to know the real me that’s your loss.

There are a lot of amazing people in this world who have made a great living by having mental illnesses. Jim Carrey for example, Robin Williams, just to name a few as well as many others. However I don’t see people going to watch their movies and not paying or sitting there and snickering and making fun of them the entire time. We love them and accept them for who they are so why can’t you do the same for me?

Curiously awaiting…..

Manic Mom

Blue

So as usual, my bipolar has gotten the best of me. I have been unable to keep up with my blogging. Instead misty days after work I just rather sleep.

Tired, depressed, and pretty much just blah. Today is no different. 

I slept awful last night and have a lot on my mind. Will it ever get better? 

Rant of The Day (ROTD)

There’s nothing I hate more than rude customer service people. I don’t care what business you are in or how bad a day you’re having please treat others how you’d want to be treated. 
When I go through your drive through, pull up to get my food and say “good morning” or “hello” I expect one back. Instead I was greeted with a cold blank stare, no words and you SHOVING  my coffee in my face. 
While eagerly awaiting the arrival of the rest of my order, you found it appropriate to turn to your co-worker and chat and giggle about what you’re doing tonight.
You grabbed my bag of food, turned to the window and handed me my food. I very kindly said “thank you” giving you a second chance to engage with the person who is partially responsible for you getting paid! Again, nothing…no words. 
As I slowly pulled away I can hear your loud obnoxious giggling to your colleagues. To say you were rude doesn’t even compare to my interaction with you. And to think, you probably get paid more than me…SMH

Intro…

I’ve done this so many times I’ve lost count. I always start with the best of intentions to keep up with writing and then for whatever reason I fail. However this time I really want to make the effort. I want to share my story with the world. I want to let others know that they are not alone. I want the everyone to see, think, hear and feel how I do. 

Anything you read from here on out are my accounts, my truth about MY life. This is what is is like to be me. 

For years I have had people telling me how to feel, what to think, and what to do. I have reached a point in my life where I have come to terms with the fact that I am simply different. All the things that I deal with on a daily basis and all the things that I have been diagnosed with are me. You can accept me for who I am or just continue to walk on by. I will not however tolerate being criticized, made fun of, or told that I am stupid for thinking and feeling the things that I do.

This is the way that I was made, wired, conditioned and there’s no changing it. No amount of therapy or medications in the world can make me the person that the world wants me to be. Instead I want to remain true to myself. These are my memories, stories, and my memoirs. 

Memoirs of a Manic Mom….

Complicated

This is going to be the LONGEST blog I have ever written. Grab a bowl of popcorn and get in your jammies before you start reading. I was going to Vlog it (Video) but since it contains sensitive and emotional content I was afraid I was going to do nothing but cry the whole time.

Those of you reading this, most of you know me in person or know me well enough to know my story and my life. This was a hard choice to write because I grew up during a time where we had no internet. No means of sharing information with each other, other than word of mouth of over the phone. Now it is so easy to share things with people but sometimes you have no idea who you are sharing what with. I came to the decision to let you all know what is going on because I know I have been posting a lot lately that I have been upset, depressed or just down right frustrated with things. I know that there are some members of my family that are not going to be happy about me sharing this but I have to get it off my chest. Initially, I even was upset with my own child sharing about this on Facebook. His reply though was that it is HIS page, where his friends are and if he wanted to share something personal he could. And I have to say he is right.

Anyone my age or around about can understand the frustration. You want to share things online because you are excited and happy or even sad or angry. But we come from a different time when it was not socially acceptable to share such personal information. With that said I am going to try to meet someplace in the middle. I cannot go into great depths as to what is wrong. If you want that information please private message me. But I do want to share some of what is going on so at least those of you that are close and care about me will now know what is going on in my crazy life.

This goes back much farther but it really all started to hit the fan back in April. I received a phone call that my son had been picked up by police. My son is special. He has special needs and sometimes does not make the best choices, however, show me someone who has always made the best choices in life and NEVER made a mistake.

That day I have to say I was beside myself. As a human and a mother I was upset and conflicted. I always taught my kids the difference between right and wrong. However, with having special needs I always tried to give my boy the benefit of the doubt.  Sometimes when people know you are special they take advantage of you. Cause you to make wrong choices and get into trouble for them with the promise of a reward or something good. As an adult now at 19, sometimes you have to allow them to learn on their own. I figured even if he had done what he was being accused of, let him spend the time and learn a lesson.

Like I said this started in April, he is still sitting in jail. If the original charges were not enough an ex-girlfriend, stepped forth and created new allegations which have caused his stay to go from brief to extended. I spoke with his attorney yesterday and it looks as though they have enough evidence to put him a way for a long time. I feel awful for him. But as selfish as this sounds, I feel for myself too. I feel like I failed him. I hurt because I can’t be there for him the way I want to. No parent wants to see their child hurt or in trouble and this by far has crushed me emotionally to an extent that is unbearable.

To make matters worse, when he was picked up, he had a girlfriend. Most of his exes I hated. In fact I never even met them or talked to them because I just had a feeling they were sketchy…and I was right. This one I wanted not to like. But she seemed so invested in my son and cared for him deeply. So I went about texting her and keeping in touch. Then it led to talking on the phone. However things started to take a turn for the worse and I really should have seen it coming. She went from “OMG, I love him and we need to get him out because he is innocent” to “I dunno, if I can handle this anymore. Maybe he did do it and I am not sure I can be with him.”

The texted seemed to get more intense between her and I to the point where sometimes she would not even reply. When she did it was not nice. On July 8th (I think), we received word from my son that she was not taking his calls and actually hung up on him. We then noticed she was in a new relationship on Facebook. Is it just being a teenager or it is these new Millennials that are just so…I don’t even know the word. I mean they hop from one relationship to another and if things are not going their way they look for someone else. I mean if you really care for someone then stick with them through the thick and the thin not just the good times .

We have tried a million times to meet with her to get my sons possessions back from her home and she is not replying. I know that we need to go over there more than likely with a police escort but the question is when is she there? I have no idea what belongs to him anymore than anyone else does. But I am sure she does.

On top of that, some of you have been following my health issues. I developed this rash and was sent to a million, ok three, different doctors to help figure what the heck is causing it. Instead, I was told to go FREE & CLEAR with all my products. One doctor seems to believe that it is cheaper and easier than allergy testing. My other doctor says she cannot allergy test due to the fact that my asthma is so far out of control that if I was tested I could have an asthma attack and it could kill me. So now I have been sent on a goose chase to find ALL NATURAL products with no sulfates, no parabens, and no fragrances. First off it is not easy and secondly why is something so pure and has nothing in it so expensive?!

Then there is the issue of my mental health. This is not one that I like to admit or talk about openly but lately, it has been hard. Anyone with mental health issues knows that you do not simply just have ONE issue. It is many issues that tend to pile up on each other and before you know it you now have 800+ diagnoses. With that said I do a lot of pretending and “faking it”. I have not seen a real therapist, psychologist or psychiatrist in a LONG time. My General Practitioner gives me something to help a bit with anxiety but we are talking the lowest dose possible of a really familiar medication. Something that more or less just takes the edge off.

I have not refused to see any professional but with work and the normal life I am just so tired (and anxious) half the time I cannot go. That and I am always exhausted. I have become paranoid and my OCD seems to be controlling my life. I get stuck. I get these thoughts in my head that my heart knows is not real but no matter how much I try I keep running through all the bad things in my mind. Outside of actual therapy how does one deal with this? I pretend and act like nothing is wrong. I am really dying inside. I have things that I want…NO NEED to say and feel like I will be looked at like some kind of mental patient in a white love me coat.

As if all these things are not enough, I am constantly broke. I have hit a wall at my job. I want to move forward but there are things holding me back. I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place. I never thought that at this stage in my life I would be where I am. Don’t mistake what I am saying. There are many things that I do love about my life. Oddly enough some of the very things I complained about in this blog, are some of the same things that I love.

I am a hypocrite. Or maybe I just have the ability to see the glass as both half empty and half full depending on what the situation warrants. I hate being negative but it seems that there is this little looming cloud always following me around and I cannot avoid it. It always seem to start to rain on my parade when I have no umbrella. I just have no idea what to do anymore.

Blogging is a great outlet for me but I never can keep up with it. Even the simple task of sitting in front of a computer and typing things makes me tired. I would video my feelings but due to the fact that I cry when I sneeze makes it hard. I am so overly emotional. I cry at everything. If you are annoyed by it try living it.

I guess for now that is where I will leave. I am sure I will have plenty more to write about but who knows when that will be. This week I work Monday through Friday. I do have Saturday and Sunday off but it is the weekend of my annual cookout that I host and I will be prepping. When I am not prepping I am sure I will be to exhausted or lazy to even get on here. However the one or two times I do write and I get replies and comments I love it. I love knowing that there are people out there who have taken the time to be interested in what I have to say. It also lets me know that there are others out there like me and that I have a great support system.

So for today

My Day From Hell

So I have come to realize the reason(s) I am such a horrible blogger is because I first of all get really busy and I am lazy as shit. I do not always feel like writing. Secondly I would LOVE to share each and every intimate moment of my life with others. Problem with that, I have NO filter. I come from a family and a time in age where it was not appropriate to share your person life all over the internet or with everyone you know. However being Bipolar or Manic or whatever you want to call me, my life is full of drama and interesting stuff that I would love to share daily. So what are your thoughts? Should there be censorship or should it be open, honest and uncut?

Anyway with that said, I’ve had the day from hell. Not to mention everything I have been going through over the last few months (which is a whole other blog), today started off with me hitting snooze one to many times. This caused me to start moving a bit later than normal. As if that were not bad enough, once I got onto the parking lot, I mean freeway, it was not moving at all. This caused me to be late to work. Once I got to work I had to do double duty because the cashier did not show. Normally this is not a hard thing to do because I have no problem with multitasking however it was Friday, which means a naturally busy day. Then on top of that we have order deliveries which turns it extra busy.

Half way through the day, my migraine that I have had since Monday, decided to flare up. This caused me to have blurry vision and nausea for at least half of my shift. Not fun. On my way home from work I had to stop at the vets office. Last night I notice my kitty was having some litter box issues. Take him to the vet this morning to find he has a UTI and constipation. I know it doesn’t sound like much but diagnosing and treating this cost me $250 of my paycheck that I got today!

On the way home I decided to stop and get some food. The lady at the drive thru was rude as hell. Not to mention that she repeated my order back correctly yet when I got home it was completely wrong. We tried at least ten times to call the store and each time it was as if someone answered the line and just hung up. I do not know if they are having phone issues or just avoiding people but I am not and will not be going out of my way to go up there just to complain.

With all that said I managed to eat a bit and take my migraine meds. I dozed for a few hours and I am sure NOW I will not be able to sleep.

Anyway, feel free to comment or message me and let me know what you think? Should bloggers just write what they feel regardless of airing their dirty laundry? Or should it be censored to some degree?